Fred Thompson Fun Facts

From IMAO:

• The myth about the twelve labors of Hercules is loosely based on Fred Thompson Boy Scout career.


• Fred Thompson is a prime number.


• Fred Thompson can pat his head, rub his belly, and kill you all at the same time.


• Why does Dr. Gregory House need a cane to walk? Because he once cut Fred Thompson off in traffic.


• Fred Thompson not only doesn't add cream or sugar to his coffee, he doesn't add water.


• When Fred Thompson found out a Senator had added pork to a bill, Fred Thompson ripped off the man's leg and beat him with it. The leg was later returned to the Senator as part of a bi-partisan compromise.


• Fred Thompson has never been confused by anything that has happened on Lost.


• Fred Thompson's favorite color is the blood of his enemies.


• Why does it rain? Because God is crying. Why is God crying? Because Fred Thompson punched Him in the arm.


• Fred Thompson washes down his morning steak and eggs with a big mug of jet fuel.


• The masked executioner of Saddam Hussein: Fred Thompson.


• Not only does Fred Thompson cut taxes, he cuts tax collectors.


• The reason Fred Thompson didn't want to stay in the Senate for long is because all the extra scrutiny kept him from doing his favorite hobby: Prowling the streets at night killing drug dealers.


• Fred Thompson took over what was Al Gore's Senate seat, thereby dramatically reducing the Senate's carbon footprint. Fred Thompson then created carbon offset offsets by wastefully burning hippies.


• Since they know they can't outrun Fred Thompson, grizzly bears will often try and play dead.


• Usually for a bill to become a law, it has to be passed by the House and the Senate and signed by the President, but once Fred Thompson made a bill into law by saying, "This bill is now the law" and punching Bill Clinton in the nads.


• Though Fred Thompson left the Senate in 2003, Harry Reid still hasn't stopped wetting his pants.


• Fred Thompson's gaze can kill small animals.


• One lazy afternoon, Fred Thompson felt like whittling. The result: Mount Rushmore.


• Many claim that support for Fred Thompson is only because he acted like a gruff DA on TV. In reality, though, gruff DAs are all trying to act like Fred Thompson.


• Fred Thompson had never considered anything a monkey has done to be funny. Even those with roller skates on.


• Fred Thompson once ended a filibuster by ripping out a Senator's heart and showing it to him before he died.


• What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? Fred Thompson appears out of nowhere and beats the crap out of both of them.


• What would prove that the United States of America is the greatest nation to ever have existed? If Fred Thompson decides were worthy enough to have him as our leader.


• In the presence of Fred Thompson, terrorists prematurely explode... even if they don't have explosives strapped to them.


• Fred Thompson eats shotgun shells for breakfast and craps 44 magnum bullets in the afternoon.


• Does a bear sh!t in the woods? Only with signed notarized permission in triplicate from Fred Thompson.


• When Fred Thompson empties his pistol at the firing range, it reloads itself out of respect.


• When Fred Thompson gave blood in Alaska, it fulfilled the Red Cross's entire quota for 6 months.


• Fred Thompson uses a .357 Magnum as a remote control.


• Fred Thompson once opened a stuck jar of pickles by winking at it.


• Fred Thompson flosses his teeth with a straight razor.


• If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Fred Thompson loading his shotgun.


• Fred Thompson uses high octane gasoline as mouthwash.


• Fred Thompson can see the American flag on the moon.


• Fred Thompson's gravely voice will often start brush fires.


• Fred Thompson runs a 4 minute mile in 42 seconds.


• When Fred Thompson goes fishing, fish swim to the dock and volunteer to fill his limit.


• Abraham Lincoln once said, "You can fool some of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can never fool Fred Thompson."


• You can safely view Fred Thompson using a shoe box with a pin-sized hole in one end.


• The actual cause of global warming: Fred Thompson's burning rage.


• Fred Thompson's wit is so sharp that it can split apart atoms.


• The temperature of Fred Thompson's icy gaze is negative twenty degrees kelvin.


• The budget to Law & Order was dramatically increased when Fred Thompson was added to the cast because he has to be digitally inserted into the scenes since anytime he's near Hollywood liberals, he kills them.


• Only two things can kill Superman: Kryptonite and Fred Thompson.


• Fred Thompson plans to make it an allowable interrogation technique to rip out a terrorists spine and beat him with it.


• To save tax money, for a while Tennessee reduced it's police force to just Fred Thompson armed with a claw hammer. During that time, there was no crime in Tennessee or any contiguous state.


• Fred Thompson once stood on our south border and glared at Mexico. There was no illegal immigration for a month.


• Scientists predict that when Fred Thompson dies he'll explode taking out the five nearest planets before collapsing into a black hole.


• At a campaign stop, a Belgian Hound tried to hump Fred Thompson's leg. That breed of dog no longer exists.


• Fred Thompson vows not only to win in Iraq but also to forcefully free Vietnam from Communism, thus giving America a perfect win/loss record for wars again.


• If you purchase a weather radio, it will wake you up with an alarm to warn you when Fred Thompson is pissed off.


• An abortion doctor tried to kill Fred Thompson when he was still in the womb, but he cut off the man's hand with scalpel while shouting, "Do you know who I am? I'm Fred Thompson!"


• Fred Thompson's sense of strategy is so great that he can checkmate you using only a pawn and a knight.


• Fred Thompson can know both the exact position and momentum of a particle.


• When terrorists get to the afterlife, they'll find that none of their seventy-two women are still virgins. Why? Because of Fred Thompson.


• Fred Thompson can open clamshell packaging without the slightest trouble.


• Some versions of the Bible have Mathew 5:5 read, "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth... unless Fred Thompson wants it.