Tips for a Successful Marriage

Hey, with so many of my friends getting hitched - the Novas, the Nowaks, and the Tollefsens two weekends ago, and the Melbys this past weekend, it was quite apt for the wonderful editors of the Onion to present Tips for a Succesful Marriage in this week's issue. Unfortunately, it is written in the not-to-distant future, so some of the tips aren't really relevant at all. Oh well, here some that are (kinda) funny:

As time goes on and partners get older, it can be difficult to maintain the passion in a relationship. Keep a couple clones of yourselves around the house to liven things up in the bedroom.

Be a considerate partner around the home. For example, why not surprise your wife by hydrating dinner yourself tonight?

State-sanctioned polygamy is an effective means of preserving marital contentment. Consult the official polyfidelity web-core to add new dyads to your identity cluster.

Under strict international laws, you are forbidden from procreating in the hopes of rescuing a troubled marriage. However, there are no laws restricting the adoption of mutants.

Even though human sentiment was largely eradicated in 2042, vestigial emotions occasionally arise. If this happens, a 60-day quarantine is mandated to prevent spousal infection.

It's important to have realistic expectations for how marriage will affect you. For example, having a life partner does not "complete" you. A pair of surgically attached synthetic wings does the trick far better.

While it's a common myth that happily married couples read each other's minds, the reality is that happily married partners only use telepathy for the stock market and crime prevention.

Well, I did say they were "kinda funny". Maybe "dumb" would have been more accurate.

Oh well, just go here and I am sure you will smile.